Mother's Day 2020

As an only child to a single parent... often times I do/did feel lonely, or as if I don't/didn't have any family. Since my mother's passing from metastatic breast cancer 2 years ago, these feelings have been amplified each year. Honestly on holidays, her birthday and even the anniversary of her death, I am ok. I don't start to feel melancholy or sadness until Mother's Day rolls around. I think because there are constant reminders everywhere and a lot of emphasis is placed on this holiday. 

While it is a joyous event and one that we should recognize and celebrate... to be completely honest my mother and I, didn't have the most best relationship. For 7 years we were estranged and it wasn't until she was diagnosed with cancer that she emailed me to let me know of her diagnosis. As her only daughter and only relative for thousands of miles, and as a human to care for another human, we were able to reconcile and share a few extra years together before she passed away. Relationships are never easy and they often take work, no one is perfect and even as I reflect back on those feeling of loss and grief I get a lump in my throat. 

I remember the bad times and I also remember the numerous good times. I know it is extremely important to not suppress these feelings and to let them out when it happens. Like a tsunami the wave of sadness rolls in... but then there is a period of relief and solace afterwards. Does it get easier? I think so. Will I ever get over this? I am not sure. Obviously when someone is gone the people left behind are the ones that it impacts the most. 

Last year, in December I also lost my grandmother - my mom's mom. Lucky for me I had a strong desire to see her in May, just 7 months before she would be gone. I hadn't seen her for maybe 20 years and it was a wonderful opportunity to reconnect. With the passing of my mother and the passing of my grandmother I have been able to connect with family that I hadn't seen since I was a teenager. 

While this year's Mother's Day is a painful one, it is ok to feel sorry and learn to cope with these feelings. I do think eventually the emotions won't run so high... but it will just take time. 

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